New Ground

Written in May of 2020- playing around with narrating from a voice that is not my own. But, this is a piece I resonate deeply even though I was not seeking to write my own experience when I wrote this.


I am breaking new ground. 

New ground of understanding how I have always felt that I need to be accepted in order to feel I am loved. 

New ground of grasping that I am afraid of then doing something that would leave me not accepted. 

I am too afraid to speak what I think. 

What if the words are not actually communicating what I am feeling? 

What if I say them too quickly and they do not fully make sense?

What if they are perceived differently? 

What if I am honest and then, therefore, not loved? 

But, I do not want to remain there. 

I am walking with all my might on this new ground. 

Except, in my quest out of my need for acceptance, I fall injured and in need. 

Yet, I can prove this injury wrong. 

I will. 

I will persist. 

With discipline. Yes, a fierce discipline to grow. 

Better. 

Stronger. 

More patient. 

More open. 

More… 

Accepted? 

Except, not. 

This injury is holding me further back than I want. 

I want to persevere. But, my mind is just not as clear as it was weeks ago. 

Weird times. 

Crazy times. 

GRACE.

Will I still be accepted on my lazy days? 

What if I cannot achieve this change? 

What if my atomic habits fall flat and resurface bad habits? 

Can I still be loved then?

Can I still love then? 

I am afraid. Of hurting another. But, more so, of myself hurting more. 

This pain is sharp. And when I cannot run it off, it runs me off. 

But, I am trying 

And, I want to keep trying-

To heal 

To grow 

More patient and more in a place of receiving grace 

Here and now and moving forward.  

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