Written in May of 2020- playing around with narrating from a voice that is not my own. But, this is a piece I resonate deeply even though I was not seeking to write my own experience when I wrote this.
I am breaking new ground.
New ground of understanding how I have always felt that I need to be accepted in order to feel I am loved.
New ground of grasping that I am afraid of then doing something that would leave me not accepted.
I am too afraid to speak what I think.
What if the words are not actually communicating what I am feeling?
What if I say them too quickly and they do not fully make sense?
What if they are perceived differently?
What if I am honest and then, therefore, not loved?
But, I do not want to remain there.
I am walking with all my might on this new ground.
Except, in my quest out of my need for acceptance, I fall injured and in need.
Yet, I can prove this injury wrong.
I will.
I will persist.
With discipline. Yes, a fierce discipline to grow.
Better.
Stronger.
More patient.
More open.
More…
Accepted?
Except, not.
This injury is holding me further back than I want.
I want to persevere. But, my mind is just not as clear as it was weeks ago.
Weird times.
Crazy times.
GRACE.
Will I still be accepted on my lazy days?
What if I cannot achieve this change?
What if my atomic habits fall flat and resurface bad habits?
Can I still be loved then?
Can I still love then?
I am afraid. Of hurting another. But, more so, of myself hurting more.
This pain is sharp. And when I cannot run it off, it runs me off.
But, I am trying
And, I want to keep trying-
To heal
To grow
More patient and more in a place of receiving grace
Here and now and moving forward.
