Most writing pieces that I do feel quite incomplete, especially these days. I write just to let my mind rest and unravel, in small inches, some of my processing,
This year is one with too much to process. I really do have to take everything in such small steps in order to carry on through each day.
Everything is always more simple and more complex than it seems.
That is a line I am sure I have written so many times.
If you have read my writing before, you know that I sit in paradoxes. Sometimes I try to make sense of what seems to make no sense. Other times, I just write about what doesn’t make sense and I let it be. It really depends on my energy.
Recently, my energy has been low. I cannot exhaust my thoughts because they have exhausted me. It is one of my least favorite places to be and always feels like one of the hardest places to pull out of since I do not have much energy to pull from.
This year, I have written short pieces. My usual flow of writing is far from short. However, short is what I have needed my words to be. Now is not the time to sort through the complexities. Now, is the time to pull myself back to where there are small layers of simplicity.
Often times I have to remind myself that words are just words. I do not always have to overthink them. Instead, I just have to let them be. I feel as if that is a lot of the writing I have had to do in order to give myself permission to write the words that do seem to carry weight. It’s a strange process that I need. I much learn to take my writing process more lightly, even if what I am writing is heavy. I must allow myself to say that sometimes I really do not have the words at all.
I guess that is why writing has felt hard this year. I do not have the words for the here and now. The here and now is loud. Really loud. And, when life is loud, I do not hear the actual sounds around me. I just hear noise. Noise is exhausting and frustrating. I find myself wanting to turn it all off. All I want is some silence. Or, at least quiet that will allow me to hear the simple sounds around me.
I have struggled to make my way through complex novels this year or through texts saturated with complexities. But, I have eaten up poetry, memoirs, and non-fiction that isn’t trying to unpack something too deep. I have needed honest writing. I have needed books and words that feel like mentors and friends. My mind sits in challenge a little too much. I am wired towards critical thinking and love nothing more than for my own thoughts to be challenged. But, again, right now, my energy is low. My critical mind can be one of my greatest gifts. However, right now, it has felt like the very thing that has put me in a sunken ship.
I am desperately trying to not remain in a place where I feel like I am sinking with no energy to find a way to float. Sometimes, a life vest is in arms reach, but my eyes are too tired to see.
I do not want to be too tired to see what is in front of me. I have quickly learned that that is no way to live. I do not want to romanticize the pain of sinking.
And not, quite honestly, I do not know where I am going with this writing. I am just letting my words be words because that is what I need.
I needed to type something out again. I needed to name where I am at and how I do not want to remain here. I needed to remind myself to breathe. To let somethings be light. To let writing be free. To let myself just be.
This is the process that I am in. It is a different process that the one I sat in last year and it will probably be a different process than I will be in in a year from now. And, that is the beauty of it all.
Let yourself be in process.
Let your words write themselves.
Let it be light, even in the heavy,
Let it be simple, even in the complexities.
Let it be.
Let it breathe.