Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I write the same words over and over again.

Each thing I write, blending into one forgotten and familiar piece.

It’s a part of my processing. My becoming. My evolving. My sanctification.

I fear the repetition. I want each step to be new. Ground breaking. Forward. Leaving the past behind.

Yet, in my processing, my becoming, my evolving, and my sanctifying- I keep coming back to places I’ve been. Foreign familiarities. And with each return, I heal a little more.

I fear I overuse the word heal or healing. Yet, that’s what is constantly happening when we allow our steps to retrace old paths in new ways.

Sometimes I wish I could come up with new words for the ones I find myself repeating so often.

Fear. Healing. Courage. Gratitude. Anger. Love. Transition. Change. Transformation. New. Old. Breath. Growth. Darkness. Light.

The synonyms for these words don’t do it either. Each word takes on its own meaning for each tongue that speaks them. For each soul that knows them. For each body that has broken beneath their weight.

I think about language and how little I understand of it. I think of how we translate Greek words and Hebrew words in ways that takes away the full depth. We hear words without hearing the stories sometimes. Each word spoken accompanied with different emotions and experiences. Yet, still so much not even spoken or expressed.

Our words, limitless. Yet, full of limits. Maybe it is paradoxical. Maybe it is a dichotomy. Maybe it’s neither and we do not have the words yet to express the depth of our words. Interesting.

Profound? Maybe. Simple? Maybe.

I want to understand. But, I also love the space that I can never understand.

So, I’ll repeat until I get deeper into the dirt of what each word means to me. I want to experience the difference shapes love takes on. I want to learn more of what it means for courage to meet fear. I want gratitude to fill every fiber of my being. I want to never stop healing in my Father’s arms, no matter how painful that process may be. I want to transition and transform again and again and again. Each day new, yet accompanied by the old. I want to grow without tirelessly chasing after growth and the journey of growing. I want the darkness so I know the brightness of the light- the contrast. We need both. I want my anger to meet my breath in my lungs. I want both to release. And with each breath, for my anger to fall deeper out of my body. I want to know my body. I want to know the words swimming within me. I want to process. I want to deconstruct and Reconstruct deeper into love and the lover of my soul.

So, yes, sometimes I feel like the same words over and over again.

The rewriting and the returning never takes away from the meaning of the time the words have been written. My fear may be going no where, but neither is my courage. And, my darkness may return back to me time and time again, but so too will my Love and my Light.

With each word written, healing unraveling alongside the undiscovered depth of meaning.

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