Sometimes it is easy to feel clouded. Blind to what’s around you.
I’ve always been intrigued with the contrast between darkness and light. There is not really an in between. When you stand in a room it is either lit up or it is dark. You cannot deny when the light is on.
Physically, that is.
Recently I have found myself denying the light on around me. I have somehow created this in betweenness of light and darkness. This state of mind where I cannot seem to decide which one wins.
It is as if I am in a room only lit by a tea candle. There is light, but it doesn’t seem like enough to overtake the dark space. There is a light switch that will undoubtedly illuminate the whole room but I cannot manage to get myself to the light switch. I stay complacent in the dark space as a I watch the little flame flicker on the table ahead of me.
I feel heavy.
I feel weak.
I feel sad.
I’ve given darkness the power to keep me taunted by the the little light that waves it’s victory song before me. That victory song can be mine to proclaim if I could just get the strength to flip that switch. It is a switch I am familiar with. I know it all too well. I flip it on each day I proclaim this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. But I keep it off everyday I choose to not rejoice. Sometimes it feels easier to keep it off. In the dark I can hide and hiding feels comfortable. It always feels easier to keep it off until the switch is flipped on, then I am brought back. Brought back to remembrance of the power of the light. Brought back to the freedom of coming out of hiding. Brought back to the power of feeling seen and being seen. Brought back to how the light really has overcome the darkness.
I just have to flip the switch.
I want to flip the switch.
When I remember the light, I want to flip the switch.
But sometimes i still settle for the tea candle.
The problem is the tea candle is only enough to sustain me for the day.
Suddenly the light runs out. The dark space overtakes the room and I can no longer see where the switch is.
I feel heavier.
I feel lost.
Feeling hidden and lost are two very different things. I like to hide because I know where I am and it means others just have to find me. I do not like to feel lost because it takes me out of control. And so I lose myself in the darkness.
I sit as the dark space fills my mind and overtakes.
Until the door opens, and suddenly the switched is flipped on. My roommates stand at my door, illuminating my darkness, and see me fully. They see my tears and my fears. They see my weakness. They see how troubled I am by the darkness that just was.
They see me and the embrace me. They sit with me. They meet me in the silence with love and light. The dark space that once was is now filled with peace.
These dear friends are not the source of light, but they are the ones who brought me back into it. Reminding me, hey, you once were lost, but you’ve been found my friend. The light has overcome the darkness.
We are children of light. If we walk in light, as He is the light, we have fellowship with one another. These dear friends, they accompany me in the light. I am not alone.
And so we sit together, in the light, until I am ready to stand and walk in it. Until I am ready to stand and walk through the door. They are oh so patient.
These dear friends, they remind me that the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. They carry my mat into the light. They carry me and I am humbled deeply by a God who gives me friends so willing to carry me. So willing to switch on the light. So willing to see me in the place where I once sat in the dark. So willing to love me there.
These dear friends, they bring me back to His care. The bring me back to the One who Shepherds me out of darkness into the marvelous light. They bring me back to the grace that glimmers all around me in the light.
The amazing grace.
I was once lost and now I am found.