Step by Step

This year I’ve learned a lot about myself. I, for one, am very stubborn.. having control is my comfort zone. I’ve also learned that I love being alone, but hate being lonely. I enjoy being by myself. I absolutely love sitting in my own bed with nothing but a journal, a pencil, some Jack Johnson, and a few stuffed animals here or there. To me, there is nothing better than being able to put my scrambled thoughts onto a piece of paper. And the best part is, those thoughts I write down are a piece of me, they are my words poured out from my heart and soul. Just me and my heart alone. There is no one there to look at me and judge what I am writing, or to disagree with the music I am listening, or laugh at the fact that I still sleep with a few stuffed animals. My room is my safe zone. It’s a place of my own; somewhere to cry in, somewhere to get on my knees and pray to my Father that I need him, a place where I am surrounded by little artifacts of my life that make my heart smile. The second I step out of my room, I have entered a battleground, and each step increases my risk of disparity. My world grows smaller and the real world grows taller. I am surrounded by so many people, yet I feel alone in the crowded room (yes I know that’s so cliché and a Taylor Swift song). And that feeling of loneliness is daunting and terrifying. Which brings me to my stubbornness; I want to be alone just not lonely. I want to be in control, but I simply can’t. As humans, there is only so much we can do before we turn everything into utter chaos. We pursue perfection but shake hands with failure. Because the truth is, we are not perfect. We are very far from perfect, and the one was and is perfect, carried our; mistakes, our failures, and our sins on his back as he willingly and humbly died for each and every one of us. That control I desire to maintain is one of my biggest sins. I am seeking perfection as I am drowning in my sins, too blind to realize that I am not in control and I never will be. You see, the one who sent His son to die on the cross for YOU and for ME, He holds all the power and control in his hands. As adversity struck through out this year , I did the only thing I really know how to do, persevered. When trials come your way, you lose that control you think you have. And the one thing you have control of, is having ruthless trust. Trust that God will take care of you, in all things. It’s okay to feel lonely at times and to like to be alone, because we all do. There is a vacancy inside each of us, that the Lord desires to fill. With Him, I am never really alone. You are never really alone. We are never really alone.

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